anyway, i'm so very glad that i didn't give into those ridiculous lies and went anyway. i made it quick because i really really didn't want to cry; i knew the floodgates would open and never close if i did that. which isn't a bad thing, i know. but as i've mentioned before, i'm weird about crying in front of people. so instead, i cried the second i got in my car and drove off. the rest of the way home. but once i stopped i was better. less burdened. it was all just exactly what i needed and exactly how it needed to happen.
and bonus: the next day we had to pick up something from her that eric left at their house. so all four of us got to say goodbye together. it was a great moment. tears, tight embraces, heart pangs (but in the best of ways).
all throughout the time from when i learned that she was moving up until the moment she actually did, i had to keep retelling myself that just because she's moving it doesn't mean i'm losing my best friend. it doesn't necessarily have to be an end. but that's all up to us and the effort we choose to put into our friendship. we are both dedicated people by nature, so i don't actually have a fear of that. and, one month into her departure, we've still been keepin' on. no surprises there.
but the times i miss her the most? when i'm feeling taken for granted by others in my life. when i'm feeling like no one sees very much value in me. when i'm feeling like my presence in their lives isn't treasured even to the smallest degree. when it's more important to explain & excuse yourself from whatever hurt you've inflicted than it is to just own it, say you're sorry, and move on.
because although we've had ups & downs in our friendship, i know one thing that was always true was that she found value in me. being friends with me was worth so much to her, and she fought for it. and she's one of only three adults in my entire life who have shown me that. not just say it, but actually prove it by action. and that is the best gift anyone can give me. ever.
"how lucky i am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
-winnie the pooh